“True happiness consists not in the multitude of friends, but in the worth and choice”

It’s been several days since my last entry. It would take me way to long to recount the events of the last few days. And to be honest, I am not sure I want to fully remember these last few days, these last days of fullness and nightmares.

All last week I was feeling rundown and worn out. No quite sure what was going on, because I was getting my usual night’s rest. And I had this weird tickling sensation in the back of my throat. Mom suggested it might be ear related because it was definitely not sinus related. The ironic part of it all was that Sat morning when I headed off to work at 2am, was probably the best I had felt all week, and the most awake and energetic I had felt. Maybe it is the changing season. We had snow yesterday. It started falling sometime during the afternoon, I am not sure when exactly because I was sleeping. The part of me that loves snow was thrilled to see the beautiful white powder descend to the earth, but the OWH part of me was dismayed at the prospect of delivering papers in this poor weather. Thankfully, but this morning, it had stopped and by this afternoon it was not interfering at all w/ the delivery. It did wreck havoc for the morning, but if I may be selfish – not my problem! It is supposed to warm up a little more this week, so I don’t expect to see the snow for long.

Today is my Grandma Sara’s 93rd birthday. Pretty amazing really! We had lunch w/ her at the Golden Corral today. Another oddity of this time of year is that my appetite seems wonky. Not sure what that word means, but it felt like an appropriate time to use it. I had a decent lunch: salad, chili, fried chicken and mashed potatoes. I probably should have stopped after one leg of chicken and devoured fewer potatoes (some days I just can’t help myself though – I love my taters). When I came home after work tonight I had almost no appetite. I had an apple and some crackers, but that was it. I didn’t eat much on Turkey Day either, but I blame my screwed up sleep schedule. I worked from 1:30-10am that morning. Nightmarish at work! I came home for 1.5 hours of sleep before jetting over to Grandma and Grandpa’s for lunch. I barely had one helping before feeling full. Brian, Dan and I scooted off to AMC to see The Polar Express. I had not read the book, so no previous expectations but I was quite pleased by the end result. I remember reading a review – I think by OSC – that suggested that what Spielberg fans claim they find in his movies actually exists in Zemeckis’ films. Not sure I agree, but there was a touch of the magical. Of course I was left w/ a few questions but they are minor so I leave them there – in the land of mystery. From the theater I hurried to my aunt and uncle’s for another dinner. I zoomed out of there around 6 to get home and climb under my sheets where I was until 8am the next morning.

Brian and I went to the Nebraska game. I’m glad I got to go, but it was sad to see that game. We probably should have left earlier, maybe they would have started really playing sooner. By the time I returned home Friday I was exhausted and I had more family outings to go to – dinner that night and again Saturday night. I’m exhausted just thinking about it. The nice thing Saturday was watching Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban w/ my parents. They were not at all impressed – at first – but once it got to the last 30 mins of the movie they left pleased w/ their time. It’s got me rereading the books now. I finished Azkaban last night and am starting Goblet today. I am reminded of a chapter in my Harry Potter and Philosophy book about friendship. Where have all the cowboys gone? And what happened to the Paula Cole song for the Dawson’s Creek credits; it’s not there on the DVDs which is really rather upsetting. I was thinking about Troy, my best friend out in Seattle. He is supposed to be coming home for Christmas. I was reminded that I hadn’t talked w/ him in quite some time. It occurred to me that there are several close friends I haven’t talked to in a while. I got a nice e-card from Alison Thursday and chatted w/ her for a few minutes. She was in LA. I hope you got home okay Alison. Sat night I chatted w/ Ivy for a little bit. And of course I’ve been IMing Sarah periodically. But I seem to be seriously out of touch w/ many of my friends these days. And I used to be maniacal about keeping in touch. I tried contacting Kristine since I’ll be in Houston in a couple days, but no answer there. I haven’t talked to Betsy in over a year. But as the quote Potok uses from Ben Jonson reflects, it isn’t about numbers it’s about depth. Where are the deep friendships I so love and sought to cultivate? They seem not to be here.

I think… no, I know that this is the one thing I am really looking for in a relationship. First and foremost, a friendship that is deep (and wide). I miss that connection. And true intimacy can only grow w/ other kinds of intimacy. I don’t really have those friendships around me and I wonder if that is part of the growing up. Does growing up mean we have to grow apart? Does growing up make it more difficult to form those lasting relationships? I guess the closest thing I have to this type of friendship is w/ those in BS and even that is rather shallow at time. As Molly has dubbed them, they are a clique. I’ve felt that way for years. Watching the youth at church and feeling like an outsider, always on the fringe and never quite included. I feel more connected these days, but you can sense the cliquish elements still there. And for the introvert, less socially adept, it is hard to “break in” and even hard to watch as others worm their way to the “inside” so easily while it is such a struggle for others. But Nouwen is right, that our attitudes should not be derived from the opinions of others. A hard lesson to hear.

I started working on my BU application. I pulled together some materials I need, and started putting it together online. I can pay the application fee w/ credit card this way. Kathy Staudt has agreed to write a couple letters of recommendations, but I am still waiting to hear from Drs Crump and Casey. It seems insane it is approaching so quickly. I thought about applying to the UVA program in Religion and Culture, but their app deadline is Friday and there is no way I can get it all prepared by then.

I think it is time I called it a night. It really is difficult to get back into the grove of something after not doing it for so long. Just easier to keep blogging! :)