A Brief Christmas Mesage

This carrier at work asked me the other day, half-joking of course, if I would be giving a sermon on Saturday morning. As I thought about it some, i realized it wasn't a bad idea. While out delivering papers yesterday I came up with an idea of how to connect the Christmas story to newspaper carriers. I am not sure if it quite works but this afternoon I wrote out a brief message. It would probably last no longer than Lincoln's Gettysburg Address. I thought I would share it with you all.

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Today is Christmas! For most people it really isn’t all that different from any other day of the week. There is nothing magical that happens at midnight to set apart this holy day from any other. And for many of us here today, our Christmas Day begins merely as an extension of Christmas Eve. The thing of it is that was how the first Christmas started too.

We all know the story so well that we could repeat it to countless others, and yet, it think we all secretly love to hear it again, hoping to discover something new in the text. We know Mary and Joseph were on their way to a small town and that upon their arrival they couldn’t find a place to stay in the inn so they ended up sleeping in a stable. It was the middle of the night when Jesus was born. Somewhere between Christmas Eve and Christmas Day Christ came into the world.

And the only people awake at that time of night were shepherds. They were nothing special. In fact, of all the people in the world to first receive the Gospel message, the Good News, it was lowly shepherds who were working through the night, away from their family and friends. It likely got rather cold during the night, and their vigil over their herds was one often unremarked upon. That was, unless something went wrong. And yet, it was to these shepherds that the angels first announced the birth of the baby Jesus. It wasn’t the King in Jerusalem, the Emperor in Rome, or the President in the White House who received the message first. It wasn’t the tax collectors and religious leaders of Israel or the CEOs of corporations who received the message first. It was a carpenter and his wife, a few solitary shepherds, night attendants at gas stations and newspaper carriers who first heard the Good News.

As we wait her this evening for the news of the day to arrive, we remember that as carriers we receive the news first. And our job is to get the news to others. As Christians our job is no different. In fact, most Christians could learn a thing from newspaper carriers about how to deliver the news. But the news we Christians need to pass on is not the news of the day. No. It is the Good News, the Gospel of Jesus. As Isaiah reminds us, a great light has been shed upon the people and that light is the Light of the World. That light is also the grace of God, our salvation. So as we go forth from this place this evening, bearing the news of the world, like Santa bears his gifts, we too bring Christ into the world. We deliver the Good News to all people, not just those customers who paid to receive it. We deliver the Good News in a fashion so that all can hear and understand, not just to a specific location. And we deliver the Good News simply and unadorned because there is no need for gift wraps.

As we all go forth from this place this Christmas Day let us remember that the Good News came first to those who kept vigil in the night. It came first to those who were not the powerful in the world. And that we too can be bearers of this Good News to others. Merry Christmas one and all.

"If you want to love God in truth, you must show it gladly, adoringly letting yourself be totally shatted by God."

I’ve been too much in my head these days and too little in the world. I marvel that this world is a physical construct and not some perceived reality, understood and categorized by the intellect and yet – I live within myself. Someone once wrote that the self is a world unto itself. Star Trek proclaimed that space was the final frontier. Others have argued that there are so many unexplored phenomenons on this world, why should we go looking outside of it. But do we truly understand ourselves. “Know thyself!” I spend too much time inside and not enough time outside but do I know myself any better than anyone else. The sad truth of the matter is the answer is “no.”

I can’t believe Christmas is at the end of the week. My parents kept telling me it would feel less like Christmas each year, until I have kids of my own again and that’ll last until they are old enough to have it not feel like Christmas. I work Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. That is nothing new. I’ve done it before. And it certainly isn’t the reason this year doesn’t feel like Christmas. Something is missing. Two years ago it felt like Christmas. It wasn’t Lauren. It was having someone in my life to share that moment, to see things anew (even if she wasn’t here in person). I joked with my parents last spring that we should celebrate Christmas in Boston. I’m not there so things didn’t quite work out, but I still dream of it or next year. Christmas 2005 in Boston. It would be new and different. It’s not that I dislike tradition, because I love tradition, but there are so many things with the family right now that seem to really interfere with the spirit of Christmas.

Even as I write those words it sounds kind of “hokey” and not incredibly original. I was skimming though The Pocket Muse and it suggested I true writing about a sappy event (ie-Christmas) but without using traditional or familiar clichés (ie-chestnuts). I so want to write. All I’ve been thinking about this weekend is writing. Everywhere I go something writing related comes up and then I sit in front of my laptop and draw a blank. I don’t know where to begin. I’m scared. Terrified. I’m a planner and starting something like this without a clear idea of where I’m going… well, it is not something I want to try but sometime I’m going to have to just do it. I guess I just want to write it and be done with it because I know how excruciating the editing process it. I wrote something years ago and spent 4 years, off-and-on, editing the work and in the end I decided I need to start from scratch. So much of my life went into that story and naught has come of it but a headache and something off a learning experience. Kierkegaard has been on my mind lately and I am somewhat immersing myself in his writings. I’m working my way through Fear and Trembling and a collection of his writings, mostly excerpts and aphorisms. All because I want to write a comic book inspired by his interpretation of the Akeda. A comic book, of all mediums! I sat in church yesterday and spent most of the sermon brainstorming. Worship can be so many things, but a place to brainstorm about a story not even related at all to the sermon preached? Granted, I was thinking about faith, but still. SK talks about three stages in life: aesthetic, ethical and religious. It scares me to think I am trapped in the ethical stage, never able to make that leap across the Nietzschean abyss to the religious. Or perhaps it is the Kazantzakian abyss. Is there a difference?

I couldn’t quite explain why, but I hated being at work today and the littlest things annoyed me. I was upset w/ a fellow supervisor for the smallest slights, and he wasn’t even there to defend himself. The sometime jerk that I share my cubicle with said several things that made me want to throttle him a couple times. And I’m not a violent man. I know Mel, I should leave this job. I was sitting around this afternoon (Les called it a part-time job and he is so right so why do I stress so) and I realized I wanted a little project. It is good for me to have a little project to work on, something to engage my mind. And so I created something for myself. I complain about the difficulties, but in actuality I crave this because it is only then when I am fully engaged in this job and it comes close to fulfillment. I was watching Before Sunset tonight. Not a great movie but something is so intriguing about the story and the simplicity and honesty of it. And there was so much about romanticism and love that resonated with me.

I want to create my own holiday traditions. I want to experience Christmas anew. And for some reason it is locked in my head that the only way to do that is through a relationship with someone else. But that is nowhere to be found. I’ve got to move to Boston. Or anywhere. If I don’t leave here by this time next year, I fear I’ll die a little inside. Kristine, I managed to get out of the house for 4 hours Saturday afternoon. I went to get a Secret Santa gift for work, wandered around B&N and Borders – and stopped at work for a while. When I returned home I felt so incredibly bored and alone. Books and movies failed to fully engage me. Stepford Wives was okay but not great. I, Robot was better than I hoped but still a little too actiony for an Asimov adaptation. Friday I saw Lemony Snicket’s with Brian and Molly. That was really, surprisingly good, but getting drinks afterwards I started to feel like a 3rd Wheel. Not there fault. Why do I feel like I need such a clean break with my current life? Is it the cowards way out to seek something new rather than stick around and fix the old? Wow, what strange imagery to use to describe family traditions. Luther didn’t want to leave the Catholic church, he wanted to reform it. Families are sometimes more intractable than religious institutions. Sometimes. How incredibly selfish this all sounds. If you don't want to keep reading this, I don't blame you in the least. Although thoughts to the contrary would be welcome.

“… but in the anguish lies the contradiction that can indeed make one sleepless.”

I know it’s been a while since my last blog and I really have no excuse except to say that I haven’t really felt “in the mood” to write. Which, when you think about it is a really poor reason not to write. There exists this mentality that you have to be in a certain mood to write. And there is no denying that moods effect what one writes about but it should never prevent one from writing. A far better answer might be to say I was at a loss what to write about but even that is a poor excuse because the very act of writing sometimes unlocks the floodgates and allows one to rush forth into the abysmal depth of the seas. I could claim, truly, that there was so much going through my head that to try to organize it would have resulted in a difficult series of disjointed passages. But even that is preferable to not writing. I was about to use the word “silence” but another impulse stopped me for in silence volumes can be said.

The other day I received the Journal of the American Academy of Religion. I joined last spring in an attempt to keep up with the academic work in religion. To be honest I had fallen away over the summer months, mostly because of other matters pressing. Only now, as I reapply to BU, have I realized I need to “get back into the swing of things.” Reading scholastic works is radically different from my other reading habits. I quickly scanned the table of content and found the first article was about the Akeda, or the binding of Isaac. It is perhaps one of the most interesting stories in the Bible. I am particularly fascinated by the tale and still have no idea what to make of it. I’ve only delved lightly into Kierkegaard’s version of it. Elie Wiesel provides some interesting Midrash on the subject that has also been enlightening.

Last year at this time, Professor Hoffmann told me about an article by Erich Auerbach called “Odysseus’ Scar.” I finally read it this evening. I hear that the rest of the Auerbach book is not worth the effort. And after reading this article I might agree. Auerbach is looking at Homer and the Old Testament as to examples of ancient texts, and how these texts can form a lens for reading contemporary texts. What captured my attention was his analysis of “foreground” and “background” which is the centerpiece of his work. Homer is a writer of great detail, foreground, but the Old Testament is a “background” text because the characters are fuzzy, hazy and so multilayered. Auerbach’s analysis is helpful for people studying the craft of writing for he highlights a couple approaches to character development but it seems to me the better approach and the one advocated by OSC and others is the latter, the “background.” In a way I was greatly disappointed in the Auerbach’s article because I though the idea of “scar” would be the key to reading the text. Several Jewish and Islamic texts highlight that Isaac/Ishmael bore a scar from the “sacrifice.” This would be in the same vein as the stigmata of Christ. Hoffmann suggested this article to me because I had suggested a connection between Israel/Jacob and Odysseus and he was pointing to another possible connection (this Israel/Odysseus connection is something still fermenting in the “background” of my mind but consider the possibilities).

Now I am stuck with the JAAR article, which has opened some other avenues to explore this stranger story. I find myself wanting to find a Levinas text, which explicitly looks and interprets Kierkegaard. Anything to help me understand the Akeda, and Kierkegaard, would be helpful. Of course, being close to Christmas and trying to save money instead of spend it I shall try to refrain from a purchase. If I was still in school I might check out the library, because the public library in Omaha is pretty sad when it comes to religious scholarship and texts. Although to be fair, the OPL did have several NK books, so they are not all bad. The particular bent of the Sherwood article was looking at the Akeda in light of some letters Muhammad Atta wrote. The scary side of this article comes when Sherwood argues that the silence of Isaac throughout the Biblical narrative is particularly frightening and in some ways is an act of terrorism. The victim has no choice. So how is Abraham any different from the terrorists of today? They all claim to be acting in accord with God. This is the trouble SK seems to find in the text which is why he splits his reading into two: the ethical and the religious. The ethical way of stating God’s command/test/temptation is: Abraham is to kill his son. The religious way: Abraham is to sacrifice his son. But are we talking merely matters of symantics. What Sherwood doesn’t push, but the idea that captures me completely (re: comments about Potok) is the silence of Isaac. What do we learn when we hear nothing from Isaac? SK talks about this text in “fear and trembling” but what is he most afraid of: a God who is unethical but religious or Abraham who is unethical but religious? One must assume it is the former, although considering how significant Abraham is to several religions, we cannot completely dismiss the latter. And what does it mean to think of God as immoral but still religious? And can we think of God as immoral since the morality we have is created by God and thus – according to my limited understanding of Aquinas – God can chance the natural order whenever God desires. So, the unethical becomes ethical again when it is framed in terms of the religious. I am bumbling my way through this interpretation. Any counter arguments are most welcome. I am still processing. I’ve read the article twice because I couldn’t fully grasp it. And, again, I wonder what to make of the silence of Isaac. And the silence of God. God commands Abraham but is absent throughout the rest of the text. God does not intervene but a messenger does.

It is good to re-engage my brain. But what of my heart? I was greatly troubled last week. There was so much going through my head and heart and soul since I returned from Houston. Something in what I read touched me deeply. And yet that doesn’t fully explain some of my angst and anguish, chief being this overwhelming sense of loneliness. I finally got a chance to talk w/ Kristine the other night and she, quite emphatically, told me to stop hiding in my room and get out. I seriously considered taking her advice tonight, but I restrained myself for one main reason. Normally I would be at BS tonight but I opted not to go this week. I am taking a sabbatical of sorts from BS. Last week was the “straw that broke the camel’s back.” I feel I’ve been hitting my head against a brick wall and all I do is walk away dazed and confused. I, in essence, shut myself down during study last week because I was not getting anywhere w/ my comments and/or questions. All I seemed capable of doing was providing some needed historical and theological information, to fill in the gaps. I hadn’t noticed it before but every time I went to BS I was tired and every time I returned I was exhausted. Jen assures me that my presence will be missed, but I am really doubting that right now. I can’t quite figure out what it is that bothers me the most. If I could I might be able to remedy it myself and/or offer a suggestion how to fix things. I know I approach the study differently that others. I have different interests and I bring different things to the table, as we all do. I know that is part of it, but it doesn’t explain the whole of it. I feel a little like I am missing something this week though because I am not interacting w/ others. There is no volleyball tomorrow. Perhaps something will come up for this weekend. I had hoped to hang-out w/ Molly last Friday but she was busy. I ended up seeing Finding Neverland, which I heartily recommend to everyone.

This sense of being so utterly alone sparked me to check out Yahoo! Personals. I keep going back to that from time-to-time but it feels so fake, and forced. Kristine told me not to want it so much. Easier to say than do. And I’ve been better about it but something inside of me snapped and I felt a need to connect w/ people. It’s not happening for me.

I guess to return to my point… I am staying in, trying to be productive w/ this time I would normally being BSing. Instead I’ve been reading Auerbach, and soon SK. Quiet time is needed. I’ve been feeling ansty lately, so perhaps getting out would be good. I got out for a little bit last night, thinking I might get a haircut – something different – but I chickened out. The question I keep asking myself is why I am so bothered by the idea of a new hairstyle and yet so sure I need something different.

I think I’ve run out of steam for tonight. My head is tired and about to explode. Then, of course, I’ve written so much tonight. If I write more frequently, perhaps these would not be nearly as long. SK, here I come.

"A span of life is nothing. But the man who lives that span, he is something."

I teared up in public today. Twice. I’ve never felt completely comfortable crying, but to find myself surrounded by people and knowing that there are tears streaming down my face. I can hear some friends insist that it is okay, and that most of the time people are not even paying attention to you. But it still feels like the whole world is watching you. As I type these words I am in an airplane flying from Houston to Denver, where I’ll wait for my connecting flight home. I had trouble sleeping last night. The last two mornings I had been woken around 6am by the alarm clock in the room next door, an unoccupied room, going off but that didn’t happen this morning. I just couldn’t sleep.

I went to bed last night because I was engrossed in a new book, The Promise by Chaim Potok. I hadn’t planned to stay up passed midnight reading but I couldn’t help myself. I was thoroughly engrossed in the story. It was a sequel, of sorts, to The Chosen. Several weeks ago while walking around Borders I happened about the second book, and a day later I went out and purchased it, but I didn’t read it right away. I’ve been rather leery of books lately, for whatever reason. When I was packing for this trip I slipped those two books into my back. I started reading The Chosen Thursday night or sometime Friday. It was a book I had read in college, and meant to return to and some point but had never gotten back to it. I had loaned it on to a couple people insisting it was a must read. I wanted to reread the first book before I tackled the second and I was most glad I did. I was amazed at this story and how involved I became in the reading of it. I was at a museum yesterday afternoon, and I had it in my back pocket so I would have something to read while standing in line or waiting at a restaurant. I vaguely remember tearing up then today but I was particularly struck today as I sat in the airport, waiting for my flight. We were about to board but I couldn’t completely tear myself away from the story as it got to a really emotional segment. To be clear, I finished The Chosen yesterday evening and was nearing the end of The Promise. The sad part for me right now is that I now have no more reading material for my flight, an hour to go on this leg and nearly 2 hours on the next. The second book isn’t nearly as good or impactful as the first, but still worth the read. And there were so many allusions to other works that it has ignited my desire to read more. I find myself wanting to pull out Camus again, finally tackle Joyce and perhaps steer my way through Buber. Not that the book is about any of these authors but they are mentioned and I sense I would understand better if I read these works. All books I’ve had “on my shelf” for years but haven’t finished or even started, as the case of Joyce reveals. It also makes me a little sad to think what we seem to have lost in the area of education.

I’m going to have to stop writing soon. The quarters are quite cramped on this flight. I have a gentleman in the seat in front of me who put his seat back, w/ no regard to me aat all. And I’m barely able to type; I certainly can’t see what I am writing. I suppose this would be a moment when having a smaller computer would be nice, but I still love my big, widescreen laptop. I shall write more later. There is so much to say. Words do matter.

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I’m in Denver right now, waiting for my next flight. We arrived here a little late, but I had a 2 hour layover anyway, so it hasn’t affected me adversely. I was sitting at the back of the previous plane and I found myself a little impatient w/ the people around me as we disembarked. I had that same feeling last night as I was trying to navigate The Galleria mall in Houston. I think the Quizno’s for lunch helped settle me down some. I just wish I could find a place to plug in my laptop so I am not draining my batteries. I also wish I could find free wireless internet access here. Too bad I’m not an AT&T Wireless user.

The last few days have been rather full and I kept telling myself I should be writing, trying to put my thoughts down on paper (in or out of order), but I kept putting it off. And now I am sitting here completely unsure of what to say. There is so much going through my head right now. Mostly about silence, and words. Last time I was flying through Denver I had a layover so I could see my friend Mandy. I think that was the last time I saw her: 3.5 years ago. It was March or April of 2001, right before I decide between PLTS and Gettysburg for seminary. Odd how those moments come back to haunt you years later. It would not be possible this time around because of the amount of security throughout airports these days. As I sat at the back of the plane, staring over the heads of the passengers in front of me, I was reminded of riding in a bus in January, doing the same thing. I wanted to close that memory off, but wasn’t able to do that. I was talking to Ivy about movies the other night. I had brought a couple dozen DVDs w/ me and one of them was Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Somedays it would be wonderful to have that procedure. There is indeed a blessing to forgetfulness but the greater gift, the greater charisma if you will is memory.

As I write those words, there is a Jewish feel to them; or at least it is to my ears. It is the word “memory.” There is a Holocaust museum in Houston. I did not get a chance to visit it but I was reminded of my visit to the one in DC. It took me 2 years of living in that are before I could work up the courage and nerve to go. I was scared of what it would do to me but I am glad I went. Remembrance is important. Memorializing is important. I suppose I am in a Jewish state of mind after reading Potok. My mind wanders to Wiesel, mostly because I so wish I was at BU and able to take a class from him. It’ll happen, I have faith. But the waiting is the harder part of valor. Waiting is also the greater gift. I am being quite allusiory today and I am not sure how I feel about that. I was writing little piece once and I couldn’t help but constantly refer to someone else’s thoughts. Ivy was the one who pointed this out to me and asked me, “What do you think?” Thinking for ourselves is a scary business. It is so much easier to let others think for you. But how do people do that? What madness.

I ended up at the Houston Museum of Natural Science. Odd for me, I know. I thought about driving to the Space Center, but since I had been to NASA, twice, I thought I might try something different. There was an IMAX showing of Santa vs the Snowman (this one was not in 3D L). But the main reason for going was a display about the Dead Sea Scrolls. I thought Cas might be a little jealous. I was so glad I went but confused by why it was at that particular museum. It seemed more appropriate to a history museum. I had a similar thought this summer seeing a baseball exhibit at the Smithsonian. That one was at the Natural History not American History museum, but oh well. I was lucky to have someone from Wittenberg in town, Dr Stephan Rhein. He too wanted to see the exhibit, so we met up there and he paid for my ticket. On top of that, the church which was hosting the exhibit had a pastor whose husband was a professor of Hebrew literature. He was our tour guide. There were written placards and a pre-recorded audio commentary, but his answers to my bombarding questions were far more enlightening that anything I heard on those headphones. What has been lost from time and memory? If anything though, the exhibit showed that there is still some hope that what was lost can be recovered.

I need to go before my computer completely dies on me. It’ll be a long flight w/out something to read. I thought about bringing an additional book but I didn’t want to have my bags too full and I honestly didn’t expect I would need it. Next time I’ll trust my instincts more.

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I am home now, but too tired to write anymore so I shall leave it at this.

"faith without works..."

I'm rather tired tonight, so I won't blog for long at all. There are so many thoughts swimming in my head about tonight's BS from James. And I don't want to short shrift any of those thoughts. I want to re-read some things from SK as he has some great things to say about faith. I will say that I'm becoming rundown again, and I don't know what is happening to me. Going to BS is a mixed blessing each week. I just don't know what to make of it all. Not only am I confused about what I am hearing others say and argue, but I am also confused about what I am saying and arguing. Am I making a difference? Do my words constitute and action and where is the faith in that?

I've got another full day of work ahead of me. More "interviews" for open routes. And I would like to get to Old Navy to have that security tag removed from my new jeans. Alison called, and it was nice chatting w/ her briefly tonight. Sarah claims it is the season - which is trite - but I am feeling awfully alone right now. And even as I say that, I am annoyed because I've noticed the last few blog entries have been more a complaint about my life than an affirmation about life. What kind of message is that? Or perhaps a better question to ask myself is why I feel like something is missing? What is missing and how can I go about getting it back? Mel likes to end her emails w/ a Thurman quote. And I keep pondering it, asking myself what makes me alive. And I'm scared by the lack of an answer. However, after watching Joan of Arcadia I am reminded of the mystery of God. Even the absurdity of it all. That is the kernel of my thoughts but there is so much more to reflect upon tonight's study.

Tomorrow my dead Shakespeare, tomorrow.

“True happiness consists not in the multitude of friends, but in the worth and choice”

It’s been several days since my last entry. It would take me way to long to recount the events of the last few days. And to be honest, I am not sure I want to fully remember these last few days, these last days of fullness and nightmares.

All last week I was feeling rundown and worn out. No quite sure what was going on, because I was getting my usual night’s rest. And I had this weird tickling sensation in the back of my throat. Mom suggested it might be ear related because it was definitely not sinus related. The ironic part of it all was that Sat morning when I headed off to work at 2am, was probably the best I had felt all week, and the most awake and energetic I had felt. Maybe it is the changing season. We had snow yesterday. It started falling sometime during the afternoon, I am not sure when exactly because I was sleeping. The part of me that loves snow was thrilled to see the beautiful white powder descend to the earth, but the OWH part of me was dismayed at the prospect of delivering papers in this poor weather. Thankfully, but this morning, it had stopped and by this afternoon it was not interfering at all w/ the delivery. It did wreck havoc for the morning, but if I may be selfish – not my problem! It is supposed to warm up a little more this week, so I don’t expect to see the snow for long.

Today is my Grandma Sara’s 93rd birthday. Pretty amazing really! We had lunch w/ her at the Golden Corral today. Another oddity of this time of year is that my appetite seems wonky. Not sure what that word means, but it felt like an appropriate time to use it. I had a decent lunch: salad, chili, fried chicken and mashed potatoes. I probably should have stopped after one leg of chicken and devoured fewer potatoes (some days I just can’t help myself though – I love my taters). When I came home after work tonight I had almost no appetite. I had an apple and some crackers, but that was it. I didn’t eat much on Turkey Day either, but I blame my screwed up sleep schedule. I worked from 1:30-10am that morning. Nightmarish at work! I came home for 1.5 hours of sleep before jetting over to Grandma and Grandpa’s for lunch. I barely had one helping before feeling full. Brian, Dan and I scooted off to AMC to see The Polar Express. I had not read the book, so no previous expectations but I was quite pleased by the end result. I remember reading a review – I think by OSC – that suggested that what Spielberg fans claim they find in his movies actually exists in Zemeckis’ films. Not sure I agree, but there was a touch of the magical. Of course I was left w/ a few questions but they are minor so I leave them there – in the land of mystery. From the theater I hurried to my aunt and uncle’s for another dinner. I zoomed out of there around 6 to get home and climb under my sheets where I was until 8am the next morning.

Brian and I went to the Nebraska game. I’m glad I got to go, but it was sad to see that game. We probably should have left earlier, maybe they would have started really playing sooner. By the time I returned home Friday I was exhausted and I had more family outings to go to – dinner that night and again Saturday night. I’m exhausted just thinking about it. The nice thing Saturday was watching Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban w/ my parents. They were not at all impressed – at first – but once it got to the last 30 mins of the movie they left pleased w/ their time. It’s got me rereading the books now. I finished Azkaban last night and am starting Goblet today. I am reminded of a chapter in my Harry Potter and Philosophy book about friendship. Where have all the cowboys gone? And what happened to the Paula Cole song for the Dawson’s Creek credits; it’s not there on the DVDs which is really rather upsetting. I was thinking about Troy, my best friend out in Seattle. He is supposed to be coming home for Christmas. I was reminded that I hadn’t talked w/ him in quite some time. It occurred to me that there are several close friends I haven’t talked to in a while. I got a nice e-card from Alison Thursday and chatted w/ her for a few minutes. She was in LA. I hope you got home okay Alison. Sat night I chatted w/ Ivy for a little bit. And of course I’ve been IMing Sarah periodically. But I seem to be seriously out of touch w/ many of my friends these days. And I used to be maniacal about keeping in touch. I tried contacting Kristine since I’ll be in Houston in a couple days, but no answer there. I haven’t talked to Betsy in over a year. But as the quote Potok uses from Ben Jonson reflects, it isn’t about numbers it’s about depth. Where are the deep friendships I so love and sought to cultivate? They seem not to be here.

I think… no, I know that this is the one thing I am really looking for in a relationship. First and foremost, a friendship that is deep (and wide). I miss that connection. And true intimacy can only grow w/ other kinds of intimacy. I don’t really have those friendships around me and I wonder if that is part of the growing up. Does growing up mean we have to grow apart? Does growing up make it more difficult to form those lasting relationships? I guess the closest thing I have to this type of friendship is w/ those in BS and even that is rather shallow at time. As Molly has dubbed them, they are a clique. I’ve felt that way for years. Watching the youth at church and feeling like an outsider, always on the fringe and never quite included. I feel more connected these days, but you can sense the cliquish elements still there. And for the introvert, less socially adept, it is hard to “break in” and even hard to watch as others worm their way to the “inside” so easily while it is such a struggle for others. But Nouwen is right, that our attitudes should not be derived from the opinions of others. A hard lesson to hear.

I started working on my BU application. I pulled together some materials I need, and started putting it together online. I can pay the application fee w/ credit card this way. Kathy Staudt has agreed to write a couple letters of recommendations, but I am still waiting to hear from Drs Crump and Casey. It seems insane it is approaching so quickly. I thought about applying to the UVA program in Religion and Culture, but their app deadline is Friday and there is no way I can get it all prepared by then.

I think it is time I called it a night. It really is difficult to get back into the grove of something after not doing it for so long. Just easier to keep blogging! :)

"... love that consists in this, that two solitudes protect and border and salute each other."

I don’t understand why I am so tired, but I feel pretty worn down and run out. I woke up this morning feeling mostly rested and ready to go. Not quite thrilled about the days happenings as it was a very “full” schedule. The nice thing was my parents were gone, so the house was quiet, like it was just a mere week ago. My body woke me a little earlier than normal which was not cool. And my tongue was still slightly sore and my throat was definitely still dry. I’ve been hydrating myself all day, but to little or no avail.

Work was the usually easy, but somehow busy morning. I had an “interview” for an open route. The guy had delivered papers before, for the Chicago Tribune, and just dropped into the office. It was nice to at least have a prospect since things are not looking great right now w/ 5 open routes – for sure. The good news is that it looks like 2 of mine will be going out this week, one tomorrow and another on Friday. Today was our 50 Point Club Luncheon. We have monthly goals for our districts, and anyone who gets 50 pts out of 85, gets to go to the luncheon. It was technically only my first time this year. They had it at a place near downtown called Caniglia’s. It wasn’t a bad lunch. My office was the first to arrive so we had the pick of the seats and were through w/ our salads before the last “guests” arrived. One end of our table though were hogging the rolls and the finger pizzas. The food was good though. I opted for chicken, although the veal parmigain (sp?) looked quite tasted. I just couldn’t bring myself to eating a baby calf. I was thirsty the whole time and Tom was annoying making rude comments about a women’s breast size every time she walked by. After lunch, I hurried to the Sheriff’s Inspection garage to get my car checked out. I paid them $10 for less than 10 mins of filling out papers and verifying my car wasn’t stolen. I understand the reasoning behind it all, but it just seems like another way to take my money. The good news is that I am one step closer to getting my car tagged for NE instead of PA. Hopefully I’ll get one of the new NE plates; they look so much nicer than the old (current) ones. I delivered my usual papers today and came back around 4 ready to fall asleep. And I still had to be in the office for another 2 hours. It didn’t help at all that my quad-mate, Tom, was yawning every 5-mins. Not quite sure why I am so tired. It wasn’t really any different than any other day. And I imagine I’ll be exhausted by Monday.

I hurried home around 6pm to mash up some potatoes for the BS pre-Turkey Day meal. I ended up mashing up two kinds of potatoes, those w/out skins and those w/ skins (plus some dill weed). The whole meal was quite tasty. I even pulled out a nice Shiraz bottle of wine. I was pretty much the only one to have any, so I brought it home w/ me. I was surprised at how long it took me to cook the potatoes and get them ready. I was the last person to arrive. I left my house at 7pm, and arrived at my cousin’s at 7:04. I took my time driving the 6 blocks through our neighborhood. Shortly after my arrival we dished up dinner and dug in. We tried singing the Doxology for our table grace but no one was on key, and the longer we sang the flatter my voice got. L I think the wine made me a little sleepier than normal. Brian gave me an ultimatum for T-day: show up for lunch or I can’t go to the Nebraska-Colorado game. I hadn’t told anyone, but I was planning to go. I have no idea how I will survive working at 2am until 10am. Going to lunch around 12:30. Going to a movie around 2pm and going to dinner around 5. Only to turn around the next day to leave for Lincoln by 9am and go to work on Sat at 2am (again). The good news is next Thu and Fri I’m not working because I’ll be traveling to Houston. That reminds me, I should try to reach Kristine. Hope she hasn’t had the baby yet!

After dinner we played a game called MadGab. Not a big fan. Wish we had played Friends Trivia instead. The annoying part wasn’t necessarily the game itself, which it was a little annoying and not something I found myself particularly skilled at. Of course, being tired might cloud my perceptions. But I was on a team w/ Jen and Heather who were constantly talking. I just thought it a little rude that they would be chatting while the other team was taking their turn. And the whole game turns on what a person hears so being quiet is considerate etiquette. I’m still not sure what to make of things w/ Heather. I admit, I find myself “seeing” her and remembering why I found her so attractive. I need to figure out when I’m going to Les Mis, so maybe I can find someone to go w/ me. Jen said she might, depending on what day of the week. I mentioned I was going to NYC in March, and she suggested I take someone w/ me then too. That seems so much easier said than done. I know people who wouldn’t mind going, but it is not easy to find someone w/ the time. And, honestly, it would be so much more fun to go w/ someone “special.” Watching Molly and Brian w/ their slightly PDAs I couldn’t help but yearn for that.

I’ve been told that Josh will be at volleyball tomorrow night. Maybe I won’t. There’s supposed to be a service at church at 7pm. Despite my misgivings, this one is a Communion service so it might be worth attending. Okay… I really am tired and I don’t know that I have all that much more to say tonight, so I shall let it go at that. For those interested, I was working on a scene for some story and posted it on my “sister” blog: odysseas42muse.blogspot.com. Perhaps Rilke's muse might descend to assist me.

"If the book we are reading does not wake us... why then do we read it?"

Sorry for the lame title for my last blog. I just couldn’t come up w/ something clever, and I was more than a little tired to find something. Besides which, I don’t have all my good “quote” books nearby from which to find new quotes. I felt like “alas” was the best word to describe the way I was feeling, and that is where Hamlet came from.

I was reading through the last 4 days of my emails from The Writer’s Almanac. I used to be very meticulous about reading those daily, skimming through the birthdays and anniversaries listed and trying to read through the poem for the day. Honestly, most of the poems never really caught my attention but there have been a few that just grab me. They other day there was one called “Pre-holiday PMS.” I heartily commend it to you all, for it not only describes the “female” state of mind, I think it captures how many of us feel about the holidays.

The reasons for the celebrations are lost amidst the dash for the finish line. There really is something to the idea that holidays have been over commercialized. I was in the office today, waiting for the truck to come, and all I could hear were my female coworkers pouring over the Thursday ads in preparation for their Friday assault on the stores. Thanksgiving in the paper business has become the day to advertise. Each week the Sunday paper grows steadily larger and large with more and more ads. Not only is it rough for the carriers and stressful for us employees but people can be downright mean about the whole thing. If they don’t get all of the right ads they will make such a fit about it. I had no idea I would write about this but now that I am it just serves as a clarion call to myself not to forget what is going on around me, and “behind the scenes.” Just yesterday I was commenting upon, but not really lamenting, how out-of-touch I was w/ the Church Calendar. And perhaps that is not a bad thing, but I am certainly out-of-touch w/ the true celebrations. And what is Thanksgiving anymore? I’ve started calling it Turkey Day because that seems to reflect what the day is – it’s about food (the food we ingest and the food we watch). I don’t keep myself apart from others. I am certainly no saint in this matter, but still… where have we gone wrong?

I was talking to Tom at work today. He mentioned that he used to complain to his friends about work, and they would just kind of stare back at him. I have one of the easiest jobs in the world. The hours are mostly flexible. I’m not in the office the whole day. And a slew of other things, and yet I take it so seriously. Mel suggested I might be better served by pouring lattes or something. I think I know where she is coming from, and I don’t disagree w/ the sentiment or the thought, but to be honest I’m not quite sure a change of jobs would change my attitude about work. I become invested in what I do. It’s why being a writer is so scary. What I put down on paper, what I show to the world, that is an extension of me and if someone takes offense at something I write or something I say it is like an attack on me. What is that all about? Man, this is starting to sound like a) a general rant about life, and b) a therapy session. Not that either is bad, but it just occurs to me. I used to do the whole counseling thing. Not so much lately. For a while there I was considering finding a spiritual counselor/advisor but I was afraid of the ‘conservative’ nature some counselors may have.

I’m going to make an effort to read some tonight. I was reading Harry Potter and Philosophy a little earlier and I think it is time I get back to it. It really is quite interesting and a definite change of pace for me. Of course, it is getting me interested in reading the books again, so I’ve already dusted off PoA and will likely be re-reading that in no time, when, instead, I should be reading something new like the Chaim Potok book I purchased last week. Tonight’s title is a quote from Kafka taken from the opening pages of Potok’s The Promise. I suppose I can become a speed reader overnight, eh?

"Alas, Poor Yorik I knew him well."

K, so I didn’t go to the Aaron Copland opera today. To be honest, I didn’t do much at all this weekend. I never did hear back from Molly about Copland, and upon checking out tickets for Les Mis in Jan I decided not to go today because I could use the money for something else. Of course, a happy thought occurred to me earlier today – my Dec 1 paycheck will include my bonus money from Oct! I can pay down my laptop or reimburse my parents for the new sweater. I need to remember to take a picture for others to see.

A fellow coworker of mine, Gina, wanted some help w/ an Excel document. Four years ago, when I last worked for the OWH, I designed an Excel worksheet which helped us with the labels. Since then I know they’ve used something like that at 2 other offices (actually, one of them was an exact copy of mine). Anyway… Gina works at another office and was looking at the system they use for labels and she was baffled. After looking at it myself, I too was confused. So being the nice guy that I am I volunteered to help her come up w/ something else. She was supposed to call me yesterday, but evidently had the wrong cell number for me but she managed to get the correct one today and called me. So I went in for 3.5 hrs to help her out. We designed something very similar to what our office is using, with a few slight modifications. Actually, it makes me want to go into our system and make a few changes as well. Gina, and a few others, insist I should have copyrighted this sheet or something, but not sure how I would have done that. I am promised a free lunch. We’ll see if that happens.

Mom, Dad and I went to CiCi’s Pizza for lunch. Not a bad place. I left w/ a slight upset stomach which I think is due to the taco pizza they seem to have in abundance. I ran into a guy who used to work for the OWH. Small world. Speaking of guys who used to work for the OWH… Friday night it looked like I was going to have to come into the office and deliver papers. I couldn’t find subs for my routes. Then, Shorty hit upon the idea to call up my former boss – Bill – to sub. And he did. Come to think of it, I’ll need to contact him about payment. I did manage to think ahead, and I’ve made some arrangements for subbing out my routes for Thu-Sun of this coming week. I can’t believe Turkey Day is this Thursday. I expect to be off on Fri and plan to go to the Nebraska-Colorado game w/ my cousin. I just hope I am awake enough to make it. My sister is going to sub on some routes. I’ve given her some easy stuff. Besides, she could use a little extra cash for the holidays and stuff. That is, if she can make it in w/ her upset wisdom teeth.

I spent the bulk of yesterday indoors, watching videos and playing my game, City of Heroes. I tried watching Master and Commander, but the DVD I got from Netflix wasn’t working, so I am sending it back. Not that it matters much, as I found it playing on HBO the other night. I hope to be getting a copy of the new Harry Potter movie to watch instead (and hoping to get my very own copy for Christmas). I was searching for ties today. I seem to have misplaced all the ties I own, during the move which is really frustrating because I have some nice ties and well… my Dad’s are not that great of a collection to draw from, if you know what I mean.

I never did get around to working on my BU essay. I really will need to buckle down this week. The big thing actually would be to contact my references and get them the correct forms so they can fill them out and send them in to BU. I’ll need to find the correct forms though. Man I am going to be busy.

It’s Christ the King Sunday, at least in the Lutheran church. It also happens to be Stewardship Sunday. It is a little odd, and more than a little interesting, to contemplate the relationship between those two and how they seem to fall on the same Sunday, or at least close to one another. To be honest, I haven’t really aid much attention to the changes in the Church Calendar. I know that Advent is coming up, which is pretty exciting. Besides Lent, it is my favorite part of the Church Calendar. Forget Easter and Christmas, the best parts are those leading up to the big events! J I actually went to service this morning. Every other weekend I am working and it is a little difficult to stay awake for the 11am service or attend either the Sat or Sun evening services. Plus, I’m not a big fan of the Sun 11am and 5:30pm services. I used to really like the “contemporary” services, but not so much anymore. Although I might try to go next week since they are doing Communion. I understand they are doing Communion at Wed night’s service too, and my aunt I supposed to be assisting. Aside from work though, I’ve found myself more than a little dissatisfied lately. And I’m not sure if it has something to do w/ my own “faith life” or something to do with the congregation or other factor. Most likely it is a combination of things.

My parents go to the 8am service and that is just way too early for me. For the last 2 yrs I’ve gotten used to a 10:30 or 11am service, and I definitely prefer the latter wake-up time. Of course in DC and G-burg there really wasn’t an early morning service, so I didn’t have much choice. And now that I do… I prefer sleeping in. So I went to the 9:30 service, and man is this service packed. I am amazed at the number of people who show up. I was running a little late this morning. I spent a little extra time coiffing. While walking from my car to the church, I saw an old church friend of mine, Jeremy. He is finishing up his MDiv at Luther Seminary, graduating in Dec. We chatted for a few minutes, doing the quick catch-up thing. I was on one side of the street, and he on the other, just outside his driver side car door. It was a quick conversation and it reminded me of my friends at or from Luther. I asked him to tell ‘Manda “hey!”

So I finally made it into the service and I had to find a seat at the back of the church, tucked away in some niche. A place I’ve never sat in before, btw. Nice to get a different perspective (Sarah kept calling, but now I can finish my blog and whenever she gets home she can read it). Not that I needed a new perspective, but I got one. The sermon was okay, a usual Pastor George sermon. I hate to admit it but I prefer Pastor Tyler’s sermons and I miss Pastor Bill’s. And the music was alright, but not outstanding. A couple months ago they were doing a sermon series on worship, and what I heard was rather insightful and right on, but it makes me ashamed to admit that many of the things they talked about that make something good worship (ie – not personal preferences) are the problems I find with the services at LCM. I know I’ve grown up quite a bit in the last few years, and I’m not sure it is wrong to say that I’ve grown beyond LCM. My worship needs are no longer met there. I go to worship for a good, thought-provoking and insightful sermon, liturgy that connects w/ me on a variety of levels, and the sacraments. I never used to be big into the sacraments, but now I miss having weekly Communion. It seems to be more of an eastern thing, or around here – too Catholic. I guess I’m a little more liberal in my theology and a little more traditional in my liturgy and sacramental desires. The simple solution would be to look for a new church home. I hope I am not in Omaha long enough to actually change my membership, but I may look for other churches to worship at, because it seems my needs are not being met. But it feels wrong. I tried going to another church, and actually did succeed, but telling my parents was difficult. I felt like I was betraying my family. I have a personal connection w/ several people at LCM, afterall I used to be the Young Adult Coordinator, but that shouldn’t keep me back from finding a new place where I can connect to people. And most importantly, connect to God. And that is the other side to it all. I feel totally disconnected in my “faith life.” I don’t want to get onto my soap box about the pious language people use when talking about their faith, but simply put I find myself rather uncomfortable using that language and evening listening to it. I look to a variety of spiritual ‘fathers’ for guidance. I don’t really need to because most of the answers they provide I already know deep inside. I just feel very out of touch. My only real connection is weekly BS and we all know how I’ve been feeling about that.

Something occurred to me today while I was at service. I realized that today is Lauren’s birthday. And I started to wonder if I’ve been connecting church-things w/ her, which is why I have such strong, negative reactions to church. I don’t think this is the whole answer, but it does leave some food for thought. More than enough for now, actually. I need to get offline and relax a little more. It’s amazing how stressful a few hours in front of a computer screen doing Excel formulas can be. And even more amazing how stressful it can be sitting in front of a blank screen and trying to write a blog, only to find yourself interrupted. J

Until next time… sleep well!

"...faith like an empty hand..."

I’ve been listening to Angela McCluskey and Charlotte Martin almost exclusively, while driving in my car. Of course, you get to a point where you need to mix things up a little bit, so I decided to change to something a little less “modern.” And I decided to stick in my Les Miserables 10th Anniversary Soundtrack.

I didn’t used to be much of a cultured person. My parents were not into musical or theater so it was high school before I went to my first musical. Sure, as a kid I saw a couple community plays – some at the Children’s Museum with extended family and some at the Playhouse with school; even saw The Nutcracker, but wasn’t the same thing as being immersed in those things. And I don’t hold that against my parents. Musicals, theater, etc… is not for everyone. Not quite sure it is for me. But in high school a friend, Megan Conway, invited me to see Jesus Christ Superstar at the Orpheum. I had heard the music a couple times before, and of course was familiar with the basic storyline. It was good. The leads from the motion picture were the actual leads for the live performance. I have to say, Jesus was rather disappointing. It didn’t leave me with major impact. Later on I saw Carmen for French Club, but that wasn’t really my think. I remember the line from Pretty Woman about some people being opera people and others not. I’m not sure I am an opera person, but… there are always exceptions.

In college some friends were raving about Rent. I was a bit more conservative, value-wise, back then so I wasn’t too keen on the bisexuality and the like in the show, but somewhere along the line I listened to the music and was hooked. I was taking a drawing class to met some general ed requirement and soon found myself sketching to Phantom of the Opera. I have as yet to see that show, and so want to. I was doing some searching online today, and discovered that it’ll be showing in NYC the weekends I’ll be in the area, so hopefully I’ll be going to see a production of Phantom (something way better than the movie due out this holiday season).

My senior year I found myself getting people together to go see Rent in the Twin Cities. It was a blast! Getting all dressed up w/ a group of friends, including my girlfriend, and making an evening of it was magical. And the musical did not disappoint. It was kind of sad being in the absolute last row of the theater, but it was not a bad seat. And we got to see the entire stage, which is a little crucial to some scenes in Act One and less so in Act Two! Of course there is always a tinge of sadness when I think about the show because a week later my girlfriend broke up w/ me. That same time of year, I was hanging with a college prof. I was TAing for him for the year. Mostly I would sit in his office and we would talk. And I remember he kept playing this Les Mis CD in the background. And I got hooked. I remember Dr Fritz even preached in daily chapel on Les Mis. Don’t remember a whole lot more but that was memorable enough, eh?

I started listening to that CD this week as a change of pace, and remembered why I love this musical and why I am dying to see it in person. It was in DC 2 years ago, and I was talking w/ my girlfriend of that time about going to see it. But she had seen the show 3 other times, including once in London. And we were making plans to go see La Boheme in NYC. So we didn’t go. La Boheme was amazing. And as some people know, Rent is an adaptation of La Boheme. If you have seen Moulin Rouge, you would have loved La Boheme because it was directed by the same guy; and he used the huge L’amour sign on stage. The colors, the dancing, and even the music itself, was so entrancing. I don’t think I would call myself and opera person but I loved the performance! While in NYC I looked at buying a ticket for a matinee of Les Mis. It was $100! I should have done it because it left Broadway shortly thereafter.

Like Rent (which I saw again recently, here in Omaha and where again I sat in the last row of the theater) La Boheme is tinged w/ sadness as my girlfriend broke up w/ me shortly thereafter (a month later rather than a week later). As I was getting ready to remove Les Mis from my CD player I happened upon an ad in the OWH: one week showing of Les Mis in Sioux City, IA! Not sure how I feel about it being in Sewer City, but its not in NYC (it is in London, but doesn’t look like I’ll be getting there anytime soon). Now that I know about the show 2 months in advance maybe I can get some people to go!

Today I also discovered the Orpheum is doing a production of Aaron Copland’s The Tender Land opera. The only opera he ever composed. And being a big Copland fan I’m pretty pysched. I am hoping to go Sunday! Maybe I can even find some people to go w/ me. I remember in college seeing a production of one of the songs from The Tender Land, and falling in love w/ the music. So I think it would be great to go! I tried calling Molly, knowing she is a music fan, and considered applying for the Omaha Orchestra (sorry Molly, I can’t remember if you did or not but I do remember you thought about the Lincoln one but opted not to). But she never called me back. :) Maybe she is waiting until I called Brian w/ the tape of Scrubs from Tue night. It was good btw.

You know, it is a little sad that I’ve spent all this time recollecting about days gone by, but not much about today. Of course, not much to tell about today. Work was okay. I kept discussing w/ my boss the merits of letting me use my own laptop at work, and getting access to the network (not that he could do anything about it, but it annoys me that a million dollar business can’t do more to equip their employees). Rain sucked! And the presses were running late, so it made for a longish day, where mostly I wanted to fall asleep.

It really is weird having the parents back. The definite upside is food. I am getting good meals each day, and ones where I don’t have to pay for them, which is really good considering I’m a little short of coin now that I’ve paid my bills. I still own some money on my credit card, but I paid my college student loan, lease, etc… and I’ve paid off the remaining balance for my Best Buy card so all that is left is this lovely laptop, which will come in handy in Dec when I’m flying to and from Houston, via Denver (2 hr layover both ways).

I think I can get a free 128MB MP3 player. I wonder if it is worth it.

Played volleyball last night. Not the greatest evening in the world. First of all, I wasn’t feeling well at all. When I got there we discovered our 3rd guy, 6th player hadn’t shown. We’ve been having problems w/ Josh lately. He works for FedEx and this time of year is pretty busy for him, we all know. Last week he was looking for someone to replace him for the whole season (9 weeks long). We found someone to play for him last wk, but this wk he was supposed to be here. He didn’t show! So we were playing one person down and man could we have used his help. Josh is a decent player. He is a bit of a ball hog at times, but it is nice to have him around because he does get to the ball. He can be a bit abrasive. I’ve been hoping we would ask him not to play anymore but Laurie and Jen are big fans of him. And I can see it, when he is there. But this is not the first time he’s done this and it’s gotten worse lately.

My only consolation about last night was we at least lost to a really good team. They were bump-set-hitting it each time. We haven’t gotten to that point yet. And when we (mostly Brian) would hit it, they were right there to dig it up again. That was also frustrating because I was so on w/ my serves all night. Normally I would have had a few more ace serves than I did. During one of the first plays of the game I belly-flopped on the sand, which is not fun and something I haven’t done in years. Of course it didn’t help that my stomach was sore already. 6 plays later I was feeling better. I was so frustrated I left right after the game, came home and showered. The shower was very refreshing. I feel like my play hasn’t been great lately. I’ve noticed I’ve been backing off a little more. I keep worrying I’ll run into someone, and I noticed that some of the girls get frustrated when they don’t touch the ball enough. Maybe I’m wrong. I still do my thing – dig the ball out from the sand. I’m a back row player.

I think I’ve written more than enough for now. ER is on. I just finished watching West Wing a while ago. I love that show. At least next Wed there will be a new ep on, unlike Smallville and Lost which won’t be on at all. Darn the holidays! Especially Turkey day! :) I guess I will just have to take the advice of Jars of Clay and have a little faith.

"It is human to lament, human to weep w/ one who weeps..."

My parents are home. It's werid - both good and bad weird - having them home. I was very uncomfortable w/ the idea of them being here a day early. Especially since I was hosting BS tonight. And they managed to show up 15 mins before study and about 5 mins before people started to arrive. I just don't feel like this is my home anymore, and it isn't. I'm sleeping and living in the room my sister called hers. 75% of my "stuff" is in boxes in the garage so I don't even get to have much of my own things up and around me. I did get to hang some wall art to make the place more mine. The biggest things are I don't have my books out on shelves and my entertainment center isn't all together. Granted, my parents have a nice TV, DVD and home theater setup in the basement. It just makes it hard to host people w/ your parents in the basement, watching TV and the noise winding its way up the stairs. Moreover, it just feels like I'm intruding in their space. I've had this problem since college. I think most people do. And of course it only got worse when I had my own apt for a year and then moved away for 3 yrs. I just want to be out on my own for a while. The other side of this all is that I at least have a nice place to live and I don't have to worry abou rent and things. I do pitch out w/ chores around the house. And I manage to get a decent meal at least once a day. Bacheloring it was nice but man does my wallet feel a bit empty after the times I ate out or picked up lunch/dinner.

For some reason, I have it in my head that having a g/f would change this. Not sure how. I know I would feel way uncomfortable inviting her over her to hang out. Not much room, emotionally as well as physically. But the upside of being in a relationship is that that relationship could create a new "home" of sorts. Don't get me wrong. I love my family. Somedays I want to strangle them , but I don't stop loving them! But I want to escape them also. I think it would be great to start new traditions with another person. This is especially obvious around the holidays. I've never really considered myself much of an adventurer but some of my family see me that way. Maybe that is why I want to move to Boston so bad. Is it mere escapism though? I'm starting to become attached to the people here, but I feel like I've been back in Omaha long enough. The world is bigger than Omaha.

FYI: I did get my Norwegian sweater and man does it look great on me. I have the Scandanavian look, so that helps some! I plan to wear it to work, tmw morning but there is no way I'll be delivering papers in that sweater!

A few people were admiring my chess set. I set it up in the living room months ago. It was one of the few major buys I made while in Turkey and Greece. Molly commented that she had no idea I had gone to Istanbul (I bought this great onyx chess set from the Grand Bazaar in Istanbul and I even battered w/ the guy for a better price). I just have to say, it was an amazing experience. It seems surreal that it was 11 months ago when I was there. It seems like forever. I was going to Turkey and Greece for a J-Term class at Seminary, called "In the Footsteps of Paul and Revelations." We visited a variety of Biblical sites in the two countries including Ephesus, Corinth and Philippi. Not to mention some non-Biblical sites like Troy (of the Trojan War and The Iliad), Mycenea and Athens! I have mixed feelings about the whole trip. It was such an amazing opportunity but my ex-girlfriend was there and things were not "kosher" between us. And I have a hard time letting go, so I was distracted. Not to say, I didn't get something fom the experience. If you can, go to Turkey. The people are so amazing. You learn a whole new side to the word "hospitality." Even Henri Nouwen would be impressed. It was overcast, rainy, and snowy while there so that may have clouded my opinions of the natural landscape. But I loved Greece. I can't wait to go back. Cas, if you can, go! The natural beauty of the land was breathtaking. I don't think you truly know what the color blue is until you've seen the sky over the Olympic mountains. Athens was nice, but I could avoid that city again. Except, I loved their public transportation. It was amazing to watch the Olympics this summer and have a good idea of where things were happening. It was like "I've been there!"

After the 2 week class was over, I flew to Crete to visit some NK sites. What an experience that was. I'm using some pictures from my trip as backgrounds on my new laptop. I may put some up. My profile pic is from Delphi where I found that almond tree.

I guess this unexpected tangent just further empasizes my "adventuring" side and how I am in search of a home. In search of someone to love and to be loved in return. And now I am quoting Moulin Rouge. Although, come to think of it, it is a bit of a paraphrase of St Francis. Hmph!

BS was okay tonight, but once again I get frustrated and how immaleable (sp?) some of the people are. I want to push and delve deeper w/ the questions. Sometimes I know how to do that but oftentimes I'm clueless. I ask questions not knowing where I am going, nor having a firm answer to my own question. Today I was frustrated by how easily we focused on the issue of the rich and wealthy (James 2:1-13) and completely ignored the issue of poverty in America. But there really wasn't much I could say that I felt I could convince them about. But perhaps I was judging too hasitly. Molly reminded me that you can't always push people to go a certain way. And that is so true. Sometimes people have to discover things for themselves. Still not sure how to relate and interact w/ Heather. Evidently she wasn't on a date Friday night, even though this guy seems to like her. As Laurie said, at least I'm not the only one. But still... it was unsettling. Next week we're doing a pre-Turkey Day meal. I'm doing mashed potatoes. We are encouraged to bring some games to play. I plan to get out my Friends trivia game, since I've never gotten to play it. I should find my Six Degress of Kevin Bacon game too!

I think I should be signing off now. I still am thinking about what is "love." Keeping you all hanging. :) In the meantime, keep reading SK!

"We are too late for the gods and too early for Being."

I have a problem. I take my work too seriously. For whatever reason, what happens to me at work, those things that don’t really have anything to do with me as a person, I still take as if they do. Work sucks! I worked the weekend the last couple days, and it’s not the most fun in the world. Getting up at 2am and working until 10am is difficult. It completely throws off my sleeping cycle. Even if I am lucky enough to get a couple hours in before work and a normal 4-6 after work, I still feel tired. Most of the time I don’t have to worry about delivering papers on Sat and Sun, but this wknd I did. And to top it off we had some routes that went “down.” I’ve been back working for the OWH just over 2 months now, and I though things were finally clicking back into shape. I had filled my routes and my carriers were doing well. My first month back really kicked me in the rear. If I hadn’t done this job before I might have been looking for the exit after my first 3 days. But hey, gotta pay the bills somehow. Especially since I have this lovely laptop to pay off now! But I digress… when I left the office yesterday morning, things were looking good for my district. I had 3 complaints. That was what I had last wknd, and was about half of my goal per Sun. The general rule is that over the next 5 hrs the number of complaints will be half of what you had the first 3 hrs. Imagine my surprise when I came into the office and discovered I had 13 complaints for the day! And I can’t figure out what happened. One carrier alone gave me 4. Another gave me 3. Another 2. And another 3. The one who gave me 4 called me to talk and claimed she knew 3 of them she had delivered. She didn’t say so, but she suggested someone was stealing the papers. Not much I can do about that on a driveway delivery route. And then she went on to suggest – after she said she wasn’t pointing fingers – that maybe another carrier was stealing her papers. I just wanted to scream. I know it is only work. It is not even in a field I am interested in making a career but it matters to me. And people keep insisting not to make things personal. Other than the health reason, why not? Some people could stand to make things more personal!

So Saturday night I was waiting to go to that surprise party, so I ended up driving to a Hollywood Video near my cousin’s house. Never a good idea. I really do need to get some mtg or something. They were offering a deal – 3 PV DVDs for $30, so I searched and found 3 – Eternal Sunshine, Underworld, and Spartan. Don’t ask about the last one. I have an interest in Mamet movies and anything that is Greek. Turns out Buffy Season 7 and Smallville Season 3 come out on DVD tmw. I put them on my Christmas list – I have to put a freeze on all purchases from here on out. But talking to Mom today, she suggested I go buy the Smallville one and then she can give it to me for Christmas. Plus the amount could be deducted from what I owe them for my Norwegian sweater. The reason this is important is because they are giving out free posters of Tom Welling and Christopher Reeve. Which would be pretty cool, eh? After all, they say that Christopher Reeve made us all believe that a man could fly!

Back to the topic of all things Greek… I emailed some friend this wknd to let them know about my blog. My former roommate Cas replied. Cas has been living in Germany for several months now – lucky guy! Sorry to hear you’re not feeling well Cas! J In his email he called my blog musings and made reference to Kaz. I was thoroughly confused about what he meant, for the longest time. I thought he might be trying some new variation of his name. Some new nickname he picked up in Germany. But then I figured it out. He was referring to NK! KAZantzakis! So clever, my friend. It reminded me of something pretty important. I have a grad school essay to work on. I was thinking about sending them a part of my master thesis, but someone suggested a work that can stand on its own might be a good idea. So instead of sending my thesis or a part of the thesis, perhaps I should rework a part of it. Which means I will probably be locking myself up in a hole somewhere next wknd to work on that. Granted I have 2 months until the application deadline but I need to start now. I need to send out the references so they have time. And I need to decide if I’m applying to BU’s Masters/PhD track or just their Masters one. I gotta figure out which one might give me the better chance to get in. Maybe I can apply to both of them.

My sister had an interview today w/ another office of the OWH. Not sure it went well. She’s been calling a lot lately. I’ve been thinking about throwing away my cell phone. Instead, I changed the ringer I had assigned to her number. Since 9/11 she’s been on this big patriotic kick so I assigned the Star Spangle Banner as her personalize ringer. I had to change it. She was driving me nuts, so I changed it to the ER theme. Hopefully I won't go insane w/ her calling. Actually, I have high hopes these calls will tapper off now that Mom and Dad will return soon. Actually, they are in TX tonight and will likely return tmw - probably before and during my BS mtg. Which is a little annoying but also nice.

Cindy called. We re talking about my blog. Hi Cindy! Hope you finally got into this.

I ran across this book a few weeks ago by Martin Heidegger. I haven't gotten around to reading it but I opened it today and discovered this interesting poem at the begin about the thinker as a poet. I just get caught up whenever an author using "Being." Don't know why. Anyway... I think I need to call it quits for tonight. I was reading a blog the other day, and the author was talking about the many facets of "love." I thought she was going somewhere w/ that but she didn't. And it's made me think a little about that. But that'll be for another day.

"Truth chooses Silence to convey her meaning to loving souls."

It's quiet here today. That is a fact that saddens me. That is a fact to make me rejoice. The rest of the state of NE is watching the NU-OU football game. It is not pretty sight as they wind their way through the 3rd quarter, and the Huskers are losing 30-0. Being from NE you can't help but become slightly invested in Husker football. For some people is it more than slightly it is bordering on a fetish and/or an obssession. It is sad in many ways that so many people literarlly live and die by a game. But I suppose it is better to live and die by a college game than a professional game (baseball being the one exception I can think of!). My parents are still out of town. I worked this morning (2-10am) and returned home to sleep until about 4pm.

The silence in the house was nearly palpable. I've found myself having to fill up the silence with noise. I can just hear what Henri Nouwen would say to that. Noise tends to drown out the whispers of God (I'm more than embellishing). And of course Kahlil Gibran insists on Truth in Silence. So what Truth in my missing when I watch Lost and Friends? Far too often I find myself alone, and it makes me sad. Alone w/ one's thoughts and ideas can cause a person to go insane. And for some reason, today, I find myself wanting to be around people. Wanting to talk to people. Wanting to connect. But live is not w/out its paradox. I just returned home from my cousin. Dave turned 40 and his wife through him a surprise party. A pretty unconventional surprise party at that. He knew a few close friends were coming over to watch the game, but suddenly more and more people kept showing up. The surprise was the number, not the event itself. Of course, I really only knew my cousin, my aunt and uncle and a few of my cousin's wife's family. I was lost amongst these people 10-15 years older than myself or 10-15 years younger than myself. It seemed to lack that connection quality I was looking for, so I have returned home. I have the game on, mute, and occassionaly I flip back and forth between that and Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone. Sarah's out having fun w/ a friend of her's, so she is not answering her phone. And I wuld like to talk to her because I'm trying to spruce up my blog a bit! :) And I know Molly and Brian are off somewhere; watching the game.

I was looking for a quote for my title and found some stuff Gibran wrote about love, but I really wasn't in a mood for that, so I opted for something else. And also probably more apropos, considering my luck w/ women lately. I think I'm a pretty great guy. Very good b/f material if you ask me. And yet... the women I find myself attracted to and or eventually date seem to hurt me to my core.

I've got a gripe about Heather I need to get out. I met Heather a couple months ago when she tagged along w/ Christian - from BS - to play v-ball. I asked Heather out for coffee, even though I don't like coffee. At the time she said she was very busy and to ask later, so two weeks later I did. She also used the words "definitetly" and "yes" that first time. The second time she again told me to ask later, so I did the following week. And that was when she turned me down. She mentioned you respected me and was flattered but she was afraid dating and guys would be too distracting for other things (she was refering to her walk w/ Christ - language I find myself uncomfortable w/ but I understand what she is saying, so....). She also mentioned she had found herself distracted this summer. Well... mostly, I've moved on. It wasn't a huge deal. I was just trying to put myself out there a little more than I usually do. It hasn't been easy still seeing her. I usually don't go out of my way to chat w/ her but if she strikes up a conversation. Well, anyway... last time made me upset and I really started to lose respect for her as a person.

Last night a few of us - Brian, Molly, Jen, Laurie and myself, went to bowl. We actually ending bowling at a place called Cougar Lanes, where Brian's parents and my parents would bowl on Sunday nights - in their church league. It was a lot of fun actually, back then. And even more fun last night. First, Brian had us pick bowling names. I was "Sly." We bowled 2 games and my first game I blew the others away w/ a 174. Definitely one of my better scores. I have yet to break 200. Someday. Molly and Jen bowled well that first game too (both breaking 100), but Laurie and Brian didn't break 100. The second game I did worse, bowling a 147, and everyone else did better. Afterwards we ended up at Buffalo Wild Wings. I had never been before. I ordered a nice Killian's Red and nachos. Brian and Molly later orders some wings and shared one w/ me. I definitely will have to go back. I was a little frustrated by the smoke in the air, especially at the bowling alley. I'm still trying to air out the smell. While there, Heather showed up and joined us. And she was w/ a guy. They had just seen a movie. And it was pretty obvious to me they were on a date. According to Jen and Laurie, they definitely were. I wasn't so much bothered by her presence, and that of her date, as much as I was pissed off by the wrongness of it. She was on a date, after she told me she didn't want to get "distracted" by guys. And there seemed to me no remorse for what she did. I'm not interested in her at all anymore, I'm just annoyed by the whole thing. And suddenly I am reminded of something Lauren told me after she broke up w/ me. That she wasn't ready to date guys, that she wasn't in that place, but less than a month later she called to be "up front" w/ me and tell me she was kind of seeing someone. Am I doing something wrong? I keep hearing that girls like the bad guys when they are younger but settle w/ the good guys. I'm a good guy. What' s up?

I shall stop grousing because all this take and self-analysis and what happens in Silence. It appears that I cannot handle the Truth! :) Besides, a little Friends for distraction isn't a bad thing at all.

"Happiness and the absurd are two sons of the same earth."

Recently it was the birthday of Albert Camus. By all rights I should dislike him to some degree. Or, more correctly, I should dislike the people who bestowed the Nobel Prize upon him. He won his in 1957, the same year Nikos Kazantzakis was nominated for the award. And the story goes that Camus won by merely 1 vote and Camus suggested in his acceptence speech that NK should have won. I would like to see the transcript of that speech to confirm what I had heard. Being a big NK guy you would think I might be upset with Camus, but I'm not. I read Camus before I read NK. Before I had even heard of NK. I read "The Myth of Sisyphus" in high school and The Plague in college. Camus is brilliant. I can't stand Satre but I love Camus. There is something nobel in Camus. There is something beautiful in the absurd.

It's apropos that I was at Borders yesterday w/ Molly and in the Lit section we stumbled upon Camus. I dug out a couple of his books, one to give to Molly to borrow and one for me to read. But the reason it is apropos is because it was his birthday and they mentioned him on Jack & Bobby Wednesday night. It's like that sometimes. Things are in the air. Within one week I heard two references to Kierkegaard in two different TV shows - Everwood and Joan of Arcadia. I'm a TV nut and I love this minute. I'm also fascinated by the literary references we occassionaly get in TV shows. I heard the recent episode of Lost was loaded w/ them but I haven't gotten around to watching it yet. I'm been busy with comptuer stuff. Which brings me back to the absurd.

I got my new laptop, and man do I love it! It is amazing. And just as I got it, my desktop started to act up. It was having major problems shutting down. Not good at all. Not good. I tried AV and scan disk but still nothing worked. Well... I think I got it figured out now. Today I copied files and transferred them to my laptop - backup. I also transfered all my mp3s so I finally can play good music on my laptop. During the process I reinstalled software on my desktop and it seems to be in good working order. But for a while there I thought for sure my desktop was jealous of my laptop's newfound admiration and adoration. Absurd to think a laptop could be jealous. To be clear - this is not what Camus meant by absurd, but it works!

Searching for Bobby Fischer is on right now. Great movie. Must see! It reminds me I need to watch and/or tape Joan and JAG tonight. There was talk about going to BWW after bowling. But not sure if that'll happen. Still waiting on a phone call. I did get a call from Mom today saying they got my Norwegian sweater. Later I got a call from my aunt about a surprise party for my cousin - tomorrow. I'll probably go for some food and watch some of the NU-OU game. But I gotta work this weekend. I forgot yesterday was a holiday, so no mail. Good thing I checked today. I got my invite to Amanda's wedding. Very nice. Thematic for a Dec 31 wedding. I doubt I'll be able to make it. Darn work! :) I went Christmas shopping today - and was quite successful. I'm nearly done already. Impressive and sad, huh?

Sara, my sister, called this afternoon to get my advice. She might be changing jobs. I know Mom won't be thrilled by it. We'll see what happens. Only time will tell I guess.

I dug out a box of photos while scrounging around in the garage for computer software. Haven't really looked at them yet. And I'm not sure why I pulled them out. But... well, what can you do? It was fun yesterday, hanging w/ Molly. It's nice to have a friend in town to do things w/. Sure, it's fun hanging out with the BS crowd, but I'm more of a one-on-one person. Darn, I'm never going to find someone, will I? I managed not to buy anything at Best Buy and Borders. well, at least w/ regard to Best Buy, I walked in and out w/out buying anything the first time. When I went to visit the other store - looking for Christmas presents, I did buy something.

Laundry was not easy to do today. Hadn't done laundry in several months. Nice thing about being at home. But it aslo makes one a little complacent I guess. Man, do I miss being out on my own sometimes. And it's been fun bacheloring it here, but it feels odd to be doing that in this house. And as my aunt reminded me today, living in DC, I was used to having people around all the time.

I think I've said enough for right now. I should get something to eat, soon. I had a nice sandwich from Subway, someplace I hadn't been to in a while. I just hope Molly and Brian and the gang haven't forgotten me.

"Man is not cut in half, he is drawn together...."

I want to keep today's blog short. "Want" being the operative word!

I was woken by my sister again today. This time at around 7:20. Luckily for her, I was planning to wake up 10 mins later ate 7:30. I had a mtg downtown and needed to get a move on things, asap. The meeting wasn't too bad. A lot of it covered familiar ground, but I did learn a few things. And the best part was the tour of the Freedom Center - the new printing press for the OWH. Last time I worked there, I left just before the new press was set to start. I don't regret that in the least because I heard there were all kinds of problems those first few months. Now, things are sailing rather smoothly. I was about to say smoothing rather saily. The stupid things that pop into our heads, eh?

I met up w/ my sister today for lunch. We went to the Brandeis bldg, and I was thrilled because they had a gyros place. I hadn't had a good gyro in months. It really was quite satisfying. I wasn't hungry when I got home, so my dinner was rather small. Thankfully, Mom left me some macaroni salad so I had something semi-healthy for dinner. When I got home i baked a cake. I wish I was more of a food person, but I'm not. I used a mix in a box and baked a chocolate cake. It turned out great. Since I was hosting BS tonight, I was to provide the after-study treat. And i was complimented on my skill. :) Considering it was my first time baking a cake, I too was surprised by how it turned out.

My aunt called to let me know they are doing a sloopy joe dinner at the church Wed. I might have to check it out. Mom and Dad made to to Orlando today. It was sprinkling there so I guess they didn't get much sight-seeing done. Hopefully tomorrow. They had one picture they emailed us - but not much else. I'm still waiting on the Norwegian sweaters!

Back to the cake... everyone liked the cake. And I filled up the dishwasher with the dirty plates and forks, but it still isn't quite full enough. BUT that still leaves some baking-ware to clean up. Not wild about that idea. I want to wait until tmw. Don't know what I'll do for lunch tmw. Have another mtg DT, this time w/ the lawyers. A few of us talked about carpooling. I hope I can survive that trip w/ Tom. He's a smoker, so I'm not wild about the idea of riding in his car, but I would rather him drive than me drive. At least I didn't have to deliver pprs today, and hopefully won't on Thu and Fri. There's talk of bowling on Fri. There was also talk of going to see another Creighton soccer game this wknd.

We had a new person at BS - a friend of Chrisitian and Heather, Beth. She seemed pretty nice. A little gruff voice. And she wasn't wild about her height. Definite sports nut - more so than me. Not sure what that does to my masculinity. Met a nice young woman DT today, named Sarah, but she is dating some guy so that was a non-starter. Jeesh... what's on my mind today?

Blessednicty! Thanks Brian. And thanks Brother Merton.

"Birds Without Wings"

I bought West Wing Season 3 DVD last week, and only recently have I gotten around to watching it. Life has been a bit full this last week. I tried watching a DVD I had gotten from Netflix - Ken Burn's Baseball Inning 2 but couldn't get into that so I sent it back. And I finished watching David Gray - Live At the Point. I really good and interesting concert DVD. I just wish I had a good, working DVD audio ripper because I would love those songs as mp3s. Perhaps they'll release a CD of the concert. I love David Gray. To be honest, I don't quite know how I discovered him. Everyone seems to know him from Bablyon, but I'm not sure that is his best song. There is something just insanely entrancing about his lyrics. It doesn't hurt that he has a good singing voice, and he plays both piano and guitar. When he does those solo I'm in heaven. Friends Season 8 DVD comes out on video tmw. I plan to get that plus a few others (the others are not for me). I've got Master and Commander to watch now. If I have the time.

The parents are out-of-town now. They emailed from the Florida border. They really didn't say much about the weather, but Mom loved the Hermitage - Andrew Jackson's home. Tmw they promise pictures. I think they are planning to go to WDW in Orlando, and do a few things before the "fun" starts in earnest on Wed. The big thing for me is the Norwegian sweater they are searching for, for me. I've been wanting one for years now - since Augie when Norwegian sweaters were the thing for the royalty court. Plus they are cool. And I hear I'm a pretty good judge of sweaters. Although this week, maybe not so much w/ the sweaters. My new Old Navy shirts are crying out to be worn, but not tmw since I have to dress up with a tie and all. Although, come to think of it, the Old Navy shirt would look nice w/ a tie, but alas, my ties seem to be missing and my Dad's selection is not quite as classy. Oh well... you do what you can. I heard a report today that there may be snow in Omaha this week. Crazy. Really crazy since it was in the 70s on Sat.

Sorry I didn't post last night, but I was too busy playing my new game. I need to have my credit card taken from me. I spend too much money. I got a new audio card for my desktop computer and I bought that comp game - City of Heroes. It is addictive. Very addictive. I had planned to go to 5:30pm service last night, since I was sleeping in a bit Sun morn (work stuff). I totally missed it. I feel pretty bad about that. I haven't had communion in nearly 2 months. My schedule is so screwy I don't get to service nearly enough. And to be honest, I am not feeling all that comfortable in my "home" congregation. I've got cool friends from the Young Adults, but I no longer agree w/ the theology most people in the congregation, and the pastors, espouse. It feels weird to even think about going to another church. It would be easier if it wasn't Omaha.

I can burn my Yankee Candle candles while the parents are away!

I got a couple emails from Augie people today. Which was a nice surprise. I was thinking about Mel the other day. I even asked Jen for her new phone number. Mel sent out an email saying she and her husband - I can't remember his name - got a dog. I'm not much of a dog person. Somedays I really wish I were. I think it will hurt my chances in relationships! I really should email her. She got back from Moscow recently and we never did get to catch up, so to speak. I also heard from Amanda. She was looking for my new contact info so she could invite me to her wedding. Another friend getting married! Jeesh! Molly asked me what I wanted to do at her wedding. I had no idea that was coming. She did give me first pick so I could chose a juicy job of some sort. I don't know... I'll have to think about it. I emailed 'Manda back, but haven't emailed Mel. Maybe I should call tonite. I feel a little lost w/out schoolwork. I wonder if Cas is back from Germany. Amanda's email reminded me about Betsy, who got married in July, but I didn't get an invite. In fact, she practically cut off all communication w/ me nearly 1.5 yrs ago. About the time when it would have been nice to have some help from my friends. Oh well... water under the bridge.

I went w/ a carrier today on her routes. She is giving up 2 of them Monday. And I know they are a little tricky so I thought I would see them for myself. Good thing I did! Gabby's pretty cool. A little soft-spoken but she's spunky at times. Not sure, but I think I might have been flirting a little. I need to interact w/ more young women. Gabby - too young, and not all that interested. Why am I making a deal out of women lately? Oh right, better to harp on the lack of relationship than to harp on the lack of political leadership. Maybe I am just deluding myself.

My sister called me at 7am this morning. TWO hours earlier than I normally get up. I wish she could have done it tmw or Wed, when I will have to be up around 7:30 to be downtown for mtgs at 9:00. She drove out here, and dropped her car off to get some work done and then borrowed Mom and Dad's van for the day. When the cats are away...

Okay... I do believe I've said more than enough for tonight. I am quite happy with my new HP laptop. I'll be taking it into work one day this week so Tom can get a look at it. Of course, having a shorten week is nice. Meeting all day tmw. I'll get home in time to back a cake for YA Bible Study. That'll be so weird to have it here - 2 wks in a row. I'm thinking spaghetti for dinner. Wed I have another mtg DT and then a half-day of work. Thu and Fri I will be off, and having lunch w/ Brian and Molly on Fri. I need to remember to tape Scrubs on Tue. And of course, I have my usual Wed shows to tape. Anything else?

Thanks David Gray for making me look at life differently!

"Because I do not hope to turn again"

I found myself at the new Best Buy this morning. Three years ago this Christmas I was in Omaha for the holidays, visiting. And I convinced my Dad I needed a laptop computer for grad school, so we went to Best Buy and bought an HP using his discount. Something went wrong w/ the laptop - in part it was my fault for using it on a cloth service where heat couldn't escape and dust could get into the fan. But I also think there was something wrong w/ the product. We got an HP because of my Dad's discount. After finishing my thesis this spring it pettered out completely. It wasn't too bad since I still had my desktop but I loved typing on my laptop. I loved the portability of it all. And so I sit here, on my bed, with a wooden board underneath my new HP laptop!

They moved the Best Buy from one location to another. So I technically purchased another computer from the same store. But man, what a difference this new location makes. It was gorgeous inside. So open. I was there for 2 hours. I hope never to have to do that again. It took me over an hour to decide on which one I wanted, and then another 45 mins to work out the financing issues (darn credit card companies) plus something like 15 mins to check and see if the system worked. They were giving out 10% off coupons, but of course they don't work for laptops. I did find an interesting computer game - City of Heroes. I might go back there to get it tomorrow. The coupon expires tomorrow.

I am a bit of a superhero mood. Later today, I met w/ Molly and Brian and we saw The Incredibles. It was not a bad movie. It just didn't quite feel like a normal Pixar film. It lacked a certain laugh-factor. It was more adult -not in the XXX way - and more serious (Brian called it more dull, misunderstanding my "adult" comment). I keep telling myself that one day I will write an issue, or issues, for Daredevil. I've been working on a story idea. It sucks having these ideas and not following through. But I guess the latter is my fault isn't it?

Has anyone heard of Angela McCluskey? Tom recommended her to me so I downloaded some of her stuff. Pretty good stuff. There is one interesting song, "Love is Stronger than Death" that has some very interesting religious themes running through it. I'm kind of "collecting" songs like that. So far I have about 5; including songs by Leonard Cohen, Damien Rice, Green Day and David Gray. I need more female vocalists! Which is odd since that is all I've been listening to lately. Saw Reliant K has a new album out. I would like to check that out.

Had a nice lunch at Applebee's today. Mom and Dad are leaving town for 10 days. They'll be in Orlando, where, hopefully, they will find that Norwegian sweater I've been wanting for myself for nearly 8 years. I was convinced that if I waited until after grad school it would be a nice present to myself. Well... it's after grad school and I have some income now!

It'll be nice to have the place to myself. Weird though too.

I was trying to watch an ep of Ken Burns' Baseball but for some reason I couldn't get into it. I'll have to give it another try, but right now I should turn off my computer and get some sleep. It's warm in my room this evening. It was in the 70s today. Crazy weather! Now, if only I could understand TS Eliot!