“… but in the anguish lies the contradiction that can indeed make one sleepless.”

I know it’s been a while since my last blog and I really have no excuse except to say that I haven’t really felt “in the mood” to write. Which, when you think about it is a really poor reason not to write. There exists this mentality that you have to be in a certain mood to write. And there is no denying that moods effect what one writes about but it should never prevent one from writing. A far better answer might be to say I was at a loss what to write about but even that is a poor excuse because the very act of writing sometimes unlocks the floodgates and allows one to rush forth into the abysmal depth of the seas. I could claim, truly, that there was so much going through my head that to try to organize it would have resulted in a difficult series of disjointed passages. But even that is preferable to not writing. I was about to use the word “silence” but another impulse stopped me for in silence volumes can be said.

The other day I received the Journal of the American Academy of Religion. I joined last spring in an attempt to keep up with the academic work in religion. To be honest I had fallen away over the summer months, mostly because of other matters pressing. Only now, as I reapply to BU, have I realized I need to “get back into the swing of things.” Reading scholastic works is radically different from my other reading habits. I quickly scanned the table of content and found the first article was about the Akeda, or the binding of Isaac. It is perhaps one of the most interesting stories in the Bible. I am particularly fascinated by the tale and still have no idea what to make of it. I’ve only delved lightly into Kierkegaard’s version of it. Elie Wiesel provides some interesting Midrash on the subject that has also been enlightening.

Last year at this time, Professor Hoffmann told me about an article by Erich Auerbach called “Odysseus’ Scar.” I finally read it this evening. I hear that the rest of the Auerbach book is not worth the effort. And after reading this article I might agree. Auerbach is looking at Homer and the Old Testament as to examples of ancient texts, and how these texts can form a lens for reading contemporary texts. What captured my attention was his analysis of “foreground” and “background” which is the centerpiece of his work. Homer is a writer of great detail, foreground, but the Old Testament is a “background” text because the characters are fuzzy, hazy and so multilayered. Auerbach’s analysis is helpful for people studying the craft of writing for he highlights a couple approaches to character development but it seems to me the better approach and the one advocated by OSC and others is the latter, the “background.” In a way I was greatly disappointed in the Auerbach’s article because I though the idea of “scar” would be the key to reading the text. Several Jewish and Islamic texts highlight that Isaac/Ishmael bore a scar from the “sacrifice.” This would be in the same vein as the stigmata of Christ. Hoffmann suggested this article to me because I had suggested a connection between Israel/Jacob and Odysseus and he was pointing to another possible connection (this Israel/Odysseus connection is something still fermenting in the “background” of my mind but consider the possibilities).

Now I am stuck with the JAAR article, which has opened some other avenues to explore this stranger story. I find myself wanting to find a Levinas text, which explicitly looks and interprets Kierkegaard. Anything to help me understand the Akeda, and Kierkegaard, would be helpful. Of course, being close to Christmas and trying to save money instead of spend it I shall try to refrain from a purchase. If I was still in school I might check out the library, because the public library in Omaha is pretty sad when it comes to religious scholarship and texts. Although to be fair, the OPL did have several NK books, so they are not all bad. The particular bent of the Sherwood article was looking at the Akeda in light of some letters Muhammad Atta wrote. The scary side of this article comes when Sherwood argues that the silence of Isaac throughout the Biblical narrative is particularly frightening and in some ways is an act of terrorism. The victim has no choice. So how is Abraham any different from the terrorists of today? They all claim to be acting in accord with God. This is the trouble SK seems to find in the text which is why he splits his reading into two: the ethical and the religious. The ethical way of stating God’s command/test/temptation is: Abraham is to kill his son. The religious way: Abraham is to sacrifice his son. But are we talking merely matters of symantics. What Sherwood doesn’t push, but the idea that captures me completely (re: comments about Potok) is the silence of Isaac. What do we learn when we hear nothing from Isaac? SK talks about this text in “fear and trembling” but what is he most afraid of: a God who is unethical but religious or Abraham who is unethical but religious? One must assume it is the former, although considering how significant Abraham is to several religions, we cannot completely dismiss the latter. And what does it mean to think of God as immoral but still religious? And can we think of God as immoral since the morality we have is created by God and thus – according to my limited understanding of Aquinas – God can chance the natural order whenever God desires. So, the unethical becomes ethical again when it is framed in terms of the religious. I am bumbling my way through this interpretation. Any counter arguments are most welcome. I am still processing. I’ve read the article twice because I couldn’t fully grasp it. And, again, I wonder what to make of the silence of Isaac. And the silence of God. God commands Abraham but is absent throughout the rest of the text. God does not intervene but a messenger does.

It is good to re-engage my brain. But what of my heart? I was greatly troubled last week. There was so much going through my head and heart and soul since I returned from Houston. Something in what I read touched me deeply. And yet that doesn’t fully explain some of my angst and anguish, chief being this overwhelming sense of loneliness. I finally got a chance to talk w/ Kristine the other night and she, quite emphatically, told me to stop hiding in my room and get out. I seriously considered taking her advice tonight, but I restrained myself for one main reason. Normally I would be at BS tonight but I opted not to go this week. I am taking a sabbatical of sorts from BS. Last week was the “straw that broke the camel’s back.” I feel I’ve been hitting my head against a brick wall and all I do is walk away dazed and confused. I, in essence, shut myself down during study last week because I was not getting anywhere w/ my comments and/or questions. All I seemed capable of doing was providing some needed historical and theological information, to fill in the gaps. I hadn’t noticed it before but every time I went to BS I was tired and every time I returned I was exhausted. Jen assures me that my presence will be missed, but I am really doubting that right now. I can’t quite figure out what it is that bothers me the most. If I could I might be able to remedy it myself and/or offer a suggestion how to fix things. I know I approach the study differently that others. I have different interests and I bring different things to the table, as we all do. I know that is part of it, but it doesn’t explain the whole of it. I feel a little like I am missing something this week though because I am not interacting w/ others. There is no volleyball tomorrow. Perhaps something will come up for this weekend. I had hoped to hang-out w/ Molly last Friday but she was busy. I ended up seeing Finding Neverland, which I heartily recommend to everyone.

This sense of being so utterly alone sparked me to check out Yahoo! Personals. I keep going back to that from time-to-time but it feels so fake, and forced. Kristine told me not to want it so much. Easier to say than do. And I’ve been better about it but something inside of me snapped and I felt a need to connect w/ people. It’s not happening for me.

I guess to return to my point… I am staying in, trying to be productive w/ this time I would normally being BSing. Instead I’ve been reading Auerbach, and soon SK. Quiet time is needed. I’ve been feeling ansty lately, so perhaps getting out would be good. I got out for a little bit last night, thinking I might get a haircut – something different – but I chickened out. The question I keep asking myself is why I am so bothered by the idea of a new hairstyle and yet so sure I need something different.

I think I’ve run out of steam for tonight. My head is tired and about to explode. Then, of course, I’ve written so much tonight. If I write more frequently, perhaps these would not be nearly as long. SK, here I come.