"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going."

I’m afraid of being alone. I’m afraid of being pushed to the side. I’m afraid of living a life and having no one or nothing around to testify to the fact that I lived. I am terrified of not living and yet, but more terrified of living but not living well, not living right. I look around me for someone to really talk with and I find people busy. I find people who scare me. I find myself scared of being open w/ another person. I find myself hiding in the darkness of my soul. The irony being that this dark night in my soul is the place where God's true light shines. And yet I run afraid from the light because I have grown accustomed to the darkness. I seek solitude to understand and then fill up my silences w/ emptiness, instead. The emptiness that comes from this world. I read about Thomas Merton and who he was and who interacted w/ him and I fear I will never be great. And I want to be great. I want to be known. I want to be loved. Is that really too much to be asked? This is what scares me when I heard Lauren is engaged. This is what frightens me when my friends can offer me nothing more than “maybe you should see a counselor again.” This is what frightens me when whatever counter-argument I think of merely confirms their suggestion. So I seek counsel in the words of spiritual mentors. But shouldn’t I be seeking guidance from the source not the stream broken off from the source. I am lost. I am alone. I am confused. “Get help.” “I can’t help you. Only you can help yourself.” “Seek counsel.” “All I can provide you is advice.” “Get laid.” “Move out.” “Be gentle.” Where is the truth behind the clichés? Where is the power behind the platitudes? Why do I lash out, why do we lash out, at that which is closest to us? Where is the comfort in words? Where is the comfort in the distant arms of friends? Where is the possibility for openness with family? Where is the chance of being real with coworkers and people who inhabit my daily life?